Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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