in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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