Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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