Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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