just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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