im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
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