Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
