It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I'm both gender and math confused
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
