You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
