I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
