Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
