Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
wakey wakey hands off snakey
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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