worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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