your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
