fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
