i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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