I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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