I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
