Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
