This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
