I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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