Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Randomize
