she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
