did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
