Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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