Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
