The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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