It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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