mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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