It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
