The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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