goodnight i made you a song goodbye
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
