You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
