AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
