It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
