my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
