and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
