he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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