Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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