Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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