You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
