I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
