Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
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