Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Randomize
