im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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