Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
