officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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