I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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