i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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