Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
