did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
