So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
