my mouth tastes like poor choices
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Come share oat with me in your robe
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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